Recipes for Disaster: an anarchist cookbook

When you are feeling jealous and insecure, it may help to remember that the degree of freedom your lover has is extended to you, too. If you wouldn't want to constrained, be glad the two of you are not constraining each other. If you've had relationships with or been attracted to others besides your lover, ponder those experiences for perspective on what your lover is feeling; if those dalliances didn't decrease your lover's importance to you, these probably won't come between you, either.

When your lover is jealous, try not to feel accused or attacked. Try not to fall into the default setting of accusations, denials, attacks, defenses, suspicions, recriminations and self-recriminations. Step back and make sure it is clear how important your lover is to you; emphasize that no other attraction or relationship can threaten the one you share. {On the other hand, of course, don't ever say this if it's not true!) If the terms of the relationship or your mutual expectations have to be re-negotiated, don't put it off or skirt around the issue.

Here's another worst-case scenario: you're involved with two people, and they take an intense disliking to each other. This can be really unpleasant for everybody There are still a few things you can do to keep things as smooth as possible, though. Don't take sides?refuse to sit as a judge while one tries to convince you of the other's wrongdoing. Have your own opinions of how they are conducting themselves, of course, but emphasize that you're not interested in being persuaded to be partisan. Emphasize to each that both are important to you?make it clear there'll be no choosing of one over the other, and that if either relationship ends it will be on account of factors internal to it, not external. Encourage the two of them work things out like adults, if possible. Don't ferry messages back and forth between them. Definitely don't let yourself make decisions to appease either of them, even unconsciously?^this v^dll only make you resent them, and Non-Monogamous Relationships disappoint yourself, in the long run. 402

You may have heard about the "primary partner" model, one of the most widely discussed schematics for non-monogamy. Some feel such schematics suggest hierarchy or protocol: they hold that each person should be his or her own primary partner, and endeavor to be committed to all the partners with whom he or she shares life, whatever roles they play. Indeed, we risk a lot by not letting those roles be fluid enough to accommodate all the changes that relationships, needs, and expectations are always going through. It's important that people in a relationship know what to expect from one another, but formal titles should not be necessary for this.

Speaking of a hierarchy of partners?in addition to atavistic dishonesty and shame, another lefliover behavior you may have carried with you from the monogamy ghetto is a tendency to treat lovers besides your "primary partner" with less respect or sensitivity. This is something people, especially men, do when cheating in monogamous relationships: motivated by guilt, they mistreat their fellow adulterer, as if to show that, though they are cheating on their partner, they still value him or her above all others. Non-monogamy is supposed to mean everyone in every relationship gets treated with respect: every plant and animal in an ecosystem is equally important, regardless of how great or small a role it plays.

Resisting l-iierarchy

No one should pressure others into a relationship model with which they don't feel comfortable. That can only make both parties unhappy. At the same time, you're not forcing others into anything by making your own decisions about what is right for you. You make your decisions, let others make theirs; where there is common ground, you can meet. Ideally, every couple should have the same idea of what they want their relationship to be; realistically, people have to make compromises?just try to make sure they're mutually beneficial compromises. Again, there's no perfect model: each couple, threesome, and community must work out for itself how to get along and be happy to-

Working Things Out

Non-Monogamous Relationships 403

gether. \?S/hat works for orxe may not work for another?it might not even look healthy or sensible to another, but that's the way it goes.

"I have one last question. If I have more than one lover at a time, won't I end up calling them by the wrong names in bed and getting in trouble with everybody?"