Recipes for Disaster: an anarchist cookbook

It doesn't take an economist or espionage expert to figure out that if you try to enter a meeting of the pretentious and portentous with metal spikes in your nose and pie-stains on your t-shirt, you may not be admitted. Shave, put on a suit, wear an American flag pin, keep your hair short?you'll be able to go anywhere! More important than the accessories, however, is the vibe you project: you should radiate confidence, comfort, and a sense of purpose, as if you not only belong there but serve an important organizational role. It can be shockingly easy to sneak into high-security events: a few weeks ago, my student friends got in free to a top dollar fundraiser at which the Vice President was speaking, simply by introducing themselves at the door as the local Young Republicans group. They would have been able to stay for the whole event, had the Young Republicans themselves not eventually shown up! For more on such matters, see Infitration, pg. 306.

As for the pie, carry it in a bowling ball bag, or keep it in a container with a plastic lid and carry it in a nondescript briefcase or top-secret spy satchel under your coat. The type of pie will dictate the details of concealment and delivery, while the environment will dictate your subterfuge; at a press conference, you might want to smuggle it

Dress the Port

Pie Throiving 409

in inside a smart attache case or large notebook, while on the street you could carry it in a pizza box, same as you would Stencils (pg. 516) 01 Asphalt Mosaics (pg. 66) another evening.

The Meringue Is the Message The experienced pie assassins of the Biotic Baking Brigade use whipped cream on paper

plates whenever possible: whipped cream makes a dramatic mess, and paper plates are harmless projectiles. On the other hand, if your target is surrounded by security personnel, you probably won't be safe stopping to fill a plate with whipped cream at the last moment; in such a situation, something with enough internal coherence to be kept sidewise imtil the moment of truth, such as a tofu. cream pie, will serve better. Old-fashioned apple or cherry pies have a certain nostalgia value that can sometimes outweigh their unwieldiness.

Try not to do anything that will actually injure your target?your goal is to humiliate, not hospitalize, or else you'd be using a crowbar. If your target is wearing glasses, unless you are indeed using whipped cream on a paper plate or something similarly fluffy, try to hit from the side, avoiding the eye area. As for ingredients, staying away from animal products is not only eco-friendly, but also saves you the trouble of researching whether your quarry is lactose intolerant. Some pie fillings can look like blood on the recipient's face, so stay away from those xmless that's the image you want the world to see.

Launch Should you throw your missile, or mash it right in the victim's face? The former is less

certain to succeed, but safer for the target, and more breathtaking to behold when it

works; the latter is harder to carry off in the midst of high security especially if you're

Pie Throwing hoping to escape. If you may indeed have to throw the pie, make sure you get plenty of

410 practice in advance.

If there are armed guards present, try to make it clear at the last instant that your weapon is a pie and nothing more: hold it high and move with steadiness and confidence?no desperate lunges! You want to retain just enough of the element of surprise to hit your object, without getting shot full of bullets as a result. It never hurts to have a clever quip prepared, either: "It's a good day to pie," et cetera.

How many assailants is enough? Having several ready can increase the odds that one wiU succeed, but it might be easier to stay inconspicuous if only one or two people are sneaking around where they shouldn't be. If a diversion draws everyone's attention in one direction, the lone pie-slinger can approach from the other side. Again, the terrain wlU determine what works; if you have to cover a broad area and don't know where your quarry will show himself, a dozen groups of three might fan out to be sure one could do the job.