Recipes for Disaster: an anarchist cookbook

Lovemaking should be an uncomplicated matter of people enjoying themselves and each other however they like. Unfortunately, patriarchy and, more recently, capitalism have made this yet another site of domination and exploitation in our society and personal lives; we can still have a wonderful time together, but we all have to be careful on entering into any sexual engagement that we make sure it's good for everyone involved.

The first and most important matter in bed (or the stairwell of the parking deck, or wherever you are) is the question of consent. Most of us were raised by a society that didn't provide us with any skills for communication, one that in fact has constructed us in such a way that honest communication is very difficult for us. If you don't want something, or you're not sure if you do, make it clear immediately, and talk with your partner about what you're feeling. If a person tells you to stop and you don't abide by his or her wishes, that's sexual assault, and if you beg and pressure, that's borderline coercion; but the absence of refusal does not necessarily equal consent, either. For all you know, your partner might not be into it and afraid to tell you, or just plain unsure. At every threshold in a sexual interaction, especially with someone you don't know intimately, you shotiLd ask out loud "do you want to ., ." or at least "is this OK?" Better yet, also ask what your partner is interested in, what he or she likes, and advice as to how to go about it. Some people may be too shy to speak about their tastes or pleasure, or bring these up; at the least, you can encourage them to let you know when you're doing something enjoyable, as well as make sure that they do indeed want to be engaged sexually vidth you, shy as they may be. Make sure also to be vocal about what you like in them, what you find

beautiful, what they do that feels good and what else you might want or not want!

Remember that many of us in this society, damaged as we are by its mutilations and humiliations, use sex and sexuality as ways to hurt and punish ourselves; unless you don't mind risking enabling someone you presumably care about to do this, it might make sense to hold off on getting into it with them until you feel like you know them well enough to sense where they're coming from. That goes both ways, too?make sure when you pursue sex with someone that you're not just using sexuality as a way to prove something to yourself or others, or get attention that it would be healthier to pursue in other ways, or make yourself feel bad.

Before any kind of sexual activity that could enable disease transmission, you should check in with your partners. You needn't necessarily demand that they lay out their sexual histories for you in their entirety; someone who has been raped or abused may not feel ready to share this. What you need to establish is exactly what levels of risk you are exposing each other to, and what your needs are when it comes to protection. It almost goes without saying that it's a bad idea to be intimate in this way with someone you don't feel you can safely trust to tell you the whole truth.

It's also critical that, if your lovemaldng could result in pregnancy, you both be clear in advance about whether you want children, how you feel about abortion, and how certain you are about these feelings. Too many people have failed to have this conversation, and ended up unprepared parents! If a woman becomes pregnant, it is ultimately her choice whether she or not has the child, so men have to be particularly careful that they understand what their female partners' feelings are about parenthood, and that they are ready for surprise fatherhood if a partner changes her mind. Long-term partners should not assume that once this matter has been discussed, it is permanently resolved; checking in from time to time will help to protect you both from the development of assumptions on one side and reticence about bringing up changes on the other.

You can make love by whispering fantasies, dancing together or for each other, concentrating on parts of the body or libido that often go ignored, or in any number of other wonderful ways you never see in the movies?and that can't get you sick or pregnant.

Sex

If you masturbate with your ears

underwater, you can listen to your

puise pounding faster and faster and

harder and harder.

You can decrease the risk of bladder

infections by always urinating after

you have sex.