Recipes for Disaster: an anarchist cookbook

Focus on practical and immediate concerns. Where can one buy mace? What organizations work with DV issues? Ask her what she needs in order to leave: shelter? transportation? a job? childcare? money? Help her find these resources. Then ask what she needs to stay out of the relationship. For most womyn, it takes seven to fourteen attempts to leave their abusers. If she doesn't have the resources to stay gone, she may return because he can support her. Many abusers manipulate these needs. This is what makes DV such a pernicious crime: the perpetrator is the person who knows her best.

Address her immediate safety. If she is living with the abuser, make sure she has a plan to get out during a violent episode {contact your local coalition against DV for safety plans). Offer to keep personal papers and a packed suitcase for her and some extra money. Make sure she has a phone. An old cell phone without service can stiU dial 911 if charged. Consider establishing code words for her to use if she needs help, or other signals?a porch light off, for example, could let the neighbors know they should contact the police. If she doesn't live with her abuser, offer to find someone to stay with her or nearby. Do a safety check: make sure phone lines can't be cut, doors have deadbolts, and windows are nailed shut. If she wants to stay in hiding, help her cover her tracks by getting all mail sent to another address or post office box; offer to put your name on utilities. If she rides a bus or bike, find a car for her to borrow. Find community members who can do errands vidth her, pick her up from work, watch the children, etc. 90% supporting Sumvors of Domestic Violence of stalking cases are former intimate partners, not strangers. 527

The anti-DV movement started as an underground railroad of homes. Consider where she stays carefully. If the abuser knows where she is staying, she can feel like a sitting duck, especially if she stays with a male?an abuser's insecurity and suspicions can easily turn to rage. The majority of extreme violence and murder occur when the womyn tries to leave, because the abuser feels he is losing control of her. Taking a survivor into your home is a serious commitment; unless you are prepared to internalize her constant vigilance and your home is very secure, she may be safer with someone else.

If she wants, help her use the legal system to file charges, obtain a protective order, file for custody, or get a divorce. Discuss the pros and cons of this in relation to safety, not politics. Until we develop an alternative, we cannot criticize a womyn for using "the system." It is imperative, however, that she doesn't invest her safety or emotional well-being in the criminal justice system, as it often fails.

The community might want to deal with or "out" the abuser. Some communities have ostracized abusers, boycotted their businesses, refused to speak to them. You could make posters of his face, or spray paint his house. You can run abusers out of tovm, though understand this has the potential of resulting in his abusing someone somewhere else. You can threaten him with violence. No matt&rwhat is done, it must be acceptable to the survivor, because her well-being is at stake.

Stage Two: Helping Us There are many steps we must take as communities and collectives to be welcoming

and radicalizing spaces for survivors. At the same time, we must each take personal

responsibiUty for shifting the public conscience toward abhorrence for violence. In a

patriarchal state, violence toward and the rape of womyn prop up sexist oppression

Supporting Survivors of Domestic Violence ^^^ exploitation. We cannot transform "rape culture" without committing ourselves to

S28 resisting and eradicating all patriarchy.

We must redefine sex and relationships away from terms of violence, power, domination and status. In our relationships we can try to create a new vocabulary that eroticizes consent and equality.

Men in particular need to organize. DV is a man's problem?womyn just suffer the consequences. A radical heterosexual male must give up the privileges of his gender-only then can he be approachable, only then will he be capable of offering meaningful help to a survivor. You cannot aid a survivor while allowing for other forms of sexism to prevail. Do not consume womyn's bodies in pornography if you hope to assist a rape survivor. Men can unlearn their gender construction and undermine patriarchy; imagine if every boy grew up around men who were struggling against patriarchy and violence.